Words by:
Anonymous
At the time, I was smoking a gram of dope in one sitting, or doing back-to-back, half-gram hot rails, all day, every day. My family got me into a treatment centre and I made it 63 days before I relapsed. Then I got worse. I started injecting meth for the next three months solid. I’d honestly come to terms with dying. I’d pretty much lost any and all hope of ever being free from it.
My family was in the process of setting up an ibogaine journey in Mexico because they knew it was such a dire situation. In the last year of my active addiction, I lost ten people in my life, all down to fentanyl-laced substances. I nearly died from fent-laced meth myself last summer. I’d have these brief moments of clarity, where I’d feel absolutely terrified of the possibility of actually dying, but then I’d just do more meth to stop the feelings.
Finally, I got myself to a trusted friend’s house to detox, and from there, I went to stay with a couple who facilitated ayahuasca journeys. It honestly changed my life. I’ve been sober since February 6th 2022 – over a year! The main thing I learned from my journey? I can honestly say I stopped hating myself that weekend. Up until that point, the intense self-loathing I felt drove me to try to destroy myself, because that’s what I believed I deserved. Instead, I was able to see the truth: I am worthy of love. There’s a reason I have people in my life who love me and want to help - oftentimes to their detriment – because I’m worth it.
I credit ayahuasca with breaking the destructive cycle that was so ingrained in me. It was my first and only ayahuasca journey to date, and it changed everything. I’d suffered from a lot of abuse for many years during my childhood, and I realised this caused me to form irrational beliefs about myself. These beliefs then fueled increasingly destructive cycles in my adult life. Through working with plant medicines (first ayahuasca, then a few other medicines since), I’m starting to peel back those layers of programming. It’s taking time, but I’m doing true trauma work for the first time in my life, and that’s where all the destructive patterns stem from.
I honestly don’t know how I’m still alive, but I’m incredibly thankful that I am. I just got back from a two-night journey last week and had a really awesome (albeit heavy) process the second night. This shit works. I’m not even going to question it at this point. I have a friend who I met in treatment last year (he was also struggling with meth addiction) and I told him all about my last journey. The next day, he’d booked it for himself. He said, “I see the sincere change it’s had in your life and I want that in mine.” That’s the dream right there. That’s what I live for now – for someone with similar issues as me to see a significant change in my life and want that for themself. That’s the goal.
